Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Happy Freakin’ Holidays
A couple of times in my life, I really hated this time of year. It wasn’t so much Christmas or the other holidays around it so much, but what the holidays did to people and what I was doing at the time that brought on this hatred.
The first time was a three year stint I did at Radio Shack in college. I should have seen this coming, Radio Shack is one of the worst places on Earth to work. It comes from a combination really bad products and odd people who really love those really bad products that starts you down the road of bad places to work, really, but you top that off with the fact that they put their employees on a commission based salary when most of what they sell is batteries and transistors, you get a truly horrible work environment. As a bonus, the one time of year when you actually can make a commission, the holidays, the corporate office lowers the commission rate so you’re not making nearly as much as you should. And for some reason, I suffered through that for three years… why I didn’t go work at Disneyland like everyone else I knew in college is a real mystery to me to this day.
Anyway, so we’ve established that Radio Shack is a horrible place to work, but let’s talk more about the holidays… when evil really came to town. You see, retail is a hellish occupation on its own, but the holidays really make it shine because of all the extra people all showing up at once. And these aren’t just your regular, everyday consumers; no, these are people who rarely get out of the house except to shop for presents.
And what’s worse, they shopped for them at Radio Shack, who despite having a good flow of customers during this time of year, never really has a lot of truly good stuff to sell. Think about any Christmas you like and then try and remember what was the really hot item or toy that season… got it yet? Now, no matter what you thought of, Radio Shack never had it available… I’m not talking “in stock” either, I mean they just didn’t carry anything popular… ever. Yet, people still bought the stuff… but never wanted to buy the right batteries to go with it because they thought this electronic toy ran on magic and good intentions.
There’s a lot more to this story, but I’ll save it. The point is, a few holidays like that and you really lose your Christmas spirit.
The second time was the previous couple of years. The Gag is now going through its fourth Christmas and, thanks to all of you, it keeps growing year after year. Well, for a couple of years there, it was still small enough that I was filling all the orders myself, yet big enough that I was up until all hours of the night filling said orders while still holding down a full time job. This left very little time for all the fun parts of the holidays… the parties, the Christmas specials, the shopping, what have you… I lost all of that for those two years because if I tried to skip a night to do something fun, the orders would double up on me and I wouldn’t get to sleep at all.
Naturally, this too will suck the holiday spirit right out of you.
Luckily, I don’t have to work retail anymore and The Gag got large enough this year that I got to bring in help in filling orders. So, now I can go back to really enjoying the holidays and out of respect for my retail brethren, I do all my shopping online. And of course, I am back to where I really love this time of year again.
So, from all of us here at The Gag, I would like to wish you all a Happy Holiday Season and the best to all of you in the new year.
Jeff @ The Gag
PS – By the way, you’ll notice I said “Happy Holidays” up there. I know there is a lot of controversy right now about how people think we should go back to saying “Merry Christmas” or whatever. The problem I have with saying “Merry Christmas” doesn’t have anything to do with being “PC”, but just polite and practical. I need everyone to remember that you say things like the generic “happy holidays” because you don’t always know the religion of the person you’re speaking to at that moment… I personally work with a wide variety of Christians, Jews, and even Atheist who celebrate the Winter Solstice just to have something to do, and those are just the people I know.
Anyway, when you start to get really ticked about the fact that you don’t see “Merry Christmas” on the signs at Target, just remember that you’re not the only person in the world and you have to share it with everyone else… and in the US, there’s a really good chance everyone around could be something else besides what you are. And if you’re still angry… well then, you’re probably just forgetting the real reason for the season… and it has nothing to do what is printed on the signs.
J.
The first time was a three year stint I did at Radio Shack in college. I should have seen this coming, Radio Shack is one of the worst places on Earth to work. It comes from a combination really bad products and odd people who really love those really bad products that starts you down the road of bad places to work, really, but you top that off with the fact that they put their employees on a commission based salary when most of what they sell is batteries and transistors, you get a truly horrible work environment. As a bonus, the one time of year when you actually can make a commission, the holidays, the corporate office lowers the commission rate so you’re not making nearly as much as you should. And for some reason, I suffered through that for three years… why I didn’t go work at Disneyland like everyone else I knew in college is a real mystery to me to this day.
Anyway, so we’ve established that Radio Shack is a horrible place to work, but let’s talk more about the holidays… when evil really came to town. You see, retail is a hellish occupation on its own, but the holidays really make it shine because of all the extra people all showing up at once. And these aren’t just your regular, everyday consumers; no, these are people who rarely get out of the house except to shop for presents.
And what’s worse, they shopped for them at Radio Shack, who despite having a good flow of customers during this time of year, never really has a lot of truly good stuff to sell. Think about any Christmas you like and then try and remember what was the really hot item or toy that season… got it yet? Now, no matter what you thought of, Radio Shack never had it available… I’m not talking “in stock” either, I mean they just didn’t carry anything popular… ever. Yet, people still bought the stuff… but never wanted to buy the right batteries to go with it because they thought this electronic toy ran on magic and good intentions.
There’s a lot more to this story, but I’ll save it. The point is, a few holidays like that and you really lose your Christmas spirit.
The second time was the previous couple of years. The Gag is now going through its fourth Christmas and, thanks to all of you, it keeps growing year after year. Well, for a couple of years there, it was still small enough that I was filling all the orders myself, yet big enough that I was up until all hours of the night filling said orders while still holding down a full time job. This left very little time for all the fun parts of the holidays… the parties, the Christmas specials, the shopping, what have you… I lost all of that for those two years because if I tried to skip a night to do something fun, the orders would double up on me and I wouldn’t get to sleep at all.
Naturally, this too will suck the holiday spirit right out of you.
Luckily, I don’t have to work retail anymore and The Gag got large enough this year that I got to bring in help in filling orders. So, now I can go back to really enjoying the holidays and out of respect for my retail brethren, I do all my shopping online. And of course, I am back to where I really love this time of year again.
So, from all of us here at The Gag, I would like to wish you all a Happy Holiday Season and the best to all of you in the new year.
Jeff @ The Gag
PS – By the way, you’ll notice I said “Happy Holidays” up there. I know there is a lot of controversy right now about how people think we should go back to saying “Merry Christmas” or whatever. The problem I have with saying “Merry Christmas” doesn’t have anything to do with being “PC”, but just polite and practical. I need everyone to remember that you say things like the generic “happy holidays” because you don’t always know the religion of the person you’re speaking to at that moment… I personally work with a wide variety of Christians, Jews, and even Atheist who celebrate the Winter Solstice just to have something to do, and those are just the people I know.
Anyway, when you start to get really ticked about the fact that you don’t see “Merry Christmas” on the signs at Target, just remember that you’re not the only person in the world and you have to share it with everyone else… and in the US, there’s a really good chance everyone around could be something else besides what you are. And if you’re still angry… well then, you’re probably just forgetting the real reason for the season… and it has nothing to do what is printed on the signs.
J.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
One Thing In This World I Need Less Of…
I’ve decided that there is at least one thing in this world that I need less of… nude old guys talking to me at the gym. Let’s take that apart and analyze it shall we?
We’ll start with the end of the sentence because it’s really the easiest and it sets the scene for the attacks. Both men and women know the horrors that can occur in a gym locker room… bad hygiene, rude people jumping your claim on a sink, or selfish bogarting the area around the lockers to make it their own person dressing zone. These are all minor issues to me as I can easily just move away from the person in question, so let’s move on.
Now, back to the beginning of the sentence… “nude old guys”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of any nude guys. Despite my abilities to cook and keep a clean house, I’m a fan of the female form and planning on sticking with it for a long time. However, in this instance, I’ve noticed that it’s the old guys at the gym that are the biggest offenders as the younger set know to keep their distance.
And the final part of the equation… “talking to me”. I think I could really keep my sanity in check if there were just nude old guys at the gym; after all, it is a locker room and I drop trou like the rest of them. However, where these guys cross the line are when they start chatting me up about anything and everything… without covering up. This is basically an extension of the no talking in the bathroom rule guys have taken to the extreme, because now these guys are completely a sway, chatty, and for some reason, prone to putting one leg up on the little stools they have around the locker area. And of course, they usually do this to you while you’re sitting there putting your shoes on or something, you’re at exactly the right height to get clean shot of the future of your own junk as this guy tells you about his weekend of boating or what have you.
So, as a member of the male side of the human race, nude old guys talking to me at the gym take note – knock it off, you’re wiggin’ me out.
Jeff @ The Gag
We’ll start with the end of the sentence because it’s really the easiest and it sets the scene for the attacks. Both men and women know the horrors that can occur in a gym locker room… bad hygiene, rude people jumping your claim on a sink, or selfish bogarting the area around the lockers to make it their own person dressing zone. These are all minor issues to me as I can easily just move away from the person in question, so let’s move on.
Now, back to the beginning of the sentence… “nude old guys”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of any nude guys. Despite my abilities to cook and keep a clean house, I’m a fan of the female form and planning on sticking with it for a long time. However, in this instance, I’ve noticed that it’s the old guys at the gym that are the biggest offenders as the younger set know to keep their distance.
And the final part of the equation… “talking to me”. I think I could really keep my sanity in check if there were just nude old guys at the gym; after all, it is a locker room and I drop trou like the rest of them. However, where these guys cross the line are when they start chatting me up about anything and everything… without covering up. This is basically an extension of the no talking in the bathroom rule guys have taken to the extreme, because now these guys are completely a sway, chatty, and for some reason, prone to putting one leg up on the little stools they have around the locker area. And of course, they usually do this to you while you’re sitting there putting your shoes on or something, you’re at exactly the right height to get clean shot of the future of your own junk as this guy tells you about his weekend of boating or what have you.
So, as a member of the male side of the human race, nude old guys talking to me at the gym take note – knock it off, you’re wiggin’ me out.
Jeff @ The Gag
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Maybe
Maybe tonight will be the night she lets me kiss her goodnight.
Maybe this time she’ll let me hold her hand.
Maybe we’ll be more than friends.
Maybe she’ll see that she deserves more than she thinks.
Maybe she’ll think that what she wants is me.
Maybe not.
Maybe I’ll figure out why she got to me so much with so little.
Maybe her voice will not catch my attention so much.
Maybe I’ll stop looking her way.
Maybe she’ll blend into the background where she was before.
Maybe I can just forget her and move on.
Maybe not.
Maybe this time she’ll let me hold her hand.
Maybe we’ll be more than friends.
Maybe she’ll see that she deserves more than she thinks.
Maybe she’ll think that what she wants is me.
Maybe not.
Maybe I’ll figure out why she got to me so much with so little.
Maybe her voice will not catch my attention so much.
Maybe I’ll stop looking her way.
Maybe she’ll blend into the background where she was before.
Maybe I can just forget her and move on.
Maybe not.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Becoming Mongo
Have you ever noticed that when you’re around someone new that you really like that you suddenly drop several IQ points? I don’t want to sound like a braggart, but I’m a fairly intelligent person… decently schooled, well read, etc., but for some reason lately, I’m walking around like I should have been held back at about the junior high school level.
The other day, I jumped out of the car to help pump gas and suddenly, I appear to have forgotten how to secure the little self-pump latch that has been on pumps for about a decade now. What the hell is that? I know how that part works and suddenly, in the presence of someone who I’m hoping the most I don’t look like an idiot in front of, I’m pawing at this crude device like I was one of the apes that didn’t make it up to the monolith in time.
Here’s another one… I love to cook, taken classes and the whole deal, including one on handling knives (really good knives can be dangerous). Yet, when I’m asked to help lately, I’m fumbling all over the cutting board like I was wielding a scythe to chop mushrooms… even nailed the back of my hand… the back!
Motor functions… speech… the whole deal… I’m actually devolving at a time when I need to be at the top of my game. Let’s just pray it comes across at endearing later instead of “what on Earth am I doing hanging out with this troglodyte?”
Jeff @ The Gag
The other day, I jumped out of the car to help pump gas and suddenly, I appear to have forgotten how to secure the little self-pump latch that has been on pumps for about a decade now. What the hell is that? I know how that part works and suddenly, in the presence of someone who I’m hoping the most I don’t look like an idiot in front of, I’m pawing at this crude device like I was one of the apes that didn’t make it up to the monolith in time.
Here’s another one… I love to cook, taken classes and the whole deal, including one on handling knives (really good knives can be dangerous). Yet, when I’m asked to help lately, I’m fumbling all over the cutting board like I was wielding a scythe to chop mushrooms… even nailed the back of my hand… the back!
Motor functions… speech… the whole deal… I’m actually devolving at a time when I need to be at the top of my game. Let’s just pray it comes across at endearing later instead of “what on Earth am I doing hanging out with this troglodyte?”
Jeff @ The Gag
Monday, October 24, 2005
The Parent Trap
Sometimes you have to see how bad something can get before you really discover how good you really have it in life. Sometimes you wander through most of your life thinking that you got a crap deal when it turns out, you were living the life and you should really shut the hell up and be grateful you had what you did all these years. Sometimes it takes a new person in your life to see all these things.
To hear the psychologists tell it, I came from a “broken home”, that is, my parents were divorced. I was eight years old when it happened, my sister was just four. I didn’t really understand the reasons until I was in my teens, but by then, being angry about them seemed pointless. From what I understand, I should be pretty “broken” myself… closed off emotionally, quick to distrust others, hard to get to know, etc., but I’m not… never really was, actually. Sure, I’m single now, but I don’t blame them for that (personally, I blame the Dutch, but that’s another issue).
My mom and dad, and step mom, are amazing. They knew that there were kids involved and made every effort to ensure that my sister and I could never use the divorce as a crutch in life. My dad moved literally across the street from my mother’s house so that we could always be close (made for a great escape route when things got tough at any one location). The court mandated visitation was just a spring board for our time with our dad. We still had big family holiday dinners. My mom even watched my half-brother when he was young… who does that? I know parents who are still married who don’t get along this well.
Yet, we’re “broken”, right?
Today, my dad and I hang out like we were great friends rather than father and son. My mom is renowned for being one of the best mom’s in North America… to the point where exes miss her more than me post-breakup. And my step-mom manages to one of the cooler people I know, despite everything you’ve been raised to know about “step-monsters”.
I’ve seen some real pain dealt out by parents… deep, psychological stuff that makes your heart ache and does damage years after it has been delivered like a slow release virus in your system. I can see how that hurt does all the things that the shrinks claim just the basic broken home is supposed to do to all kids of a broken home, weather they are broken or not. And worst of all, I see the parents not realize how much damage they are really doing.
I love my broken home… wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Jeff @ The Gag
PS – Thanks Mom and Dad and Sally. And thanks IP for the new set of eyes.
To hear the psychologists tell it, I came from a “broken home”, that is, my parents were divorced. I was eight years old when it happened, my sister was just four. I didn’t really understand the reasons until I was in my teens, but by then, being angry about them seemed pointless. From what I understand, I should be pretty “broken” myself… closed off emotionally, quick to distrust others, hard to get to know, etc., but I’m not… never really was, actually. Sure, I’m single now, but I don’t blame them for that (personally, I blame the Dutch, but that’s another issue).
My mom and dad, and step mom, are amazing. They knew that there were kids involved and made every effort to ensure that my sister and I could never use the divorce as a crutch in life. My dad moved literally across the street from my mother’s house so that we could always be close (made for a great escape route when things got tough at any one location). The court mandated visitation was just a spring board for our time with our dad. We still had big family holiday dinners. My mom even watched my half-brother when he was young… who does that? I know parents who are still married who don’t get along this well.
Yet, we’re “broken”, right?
Today, my dad and I hang out like we were great friends rather than father and son. My mom is renowned for being one of the best mom’s in North America… to the point where exes miss her more than me post-breakup. And my step-mom manages to one of the cooler people I know, despite everything you’ve been raised to know about “step-monsters”.
I’ve seen some real pain dealt out by parents… deep, psychological stuff that makes your heart ache and does damage years after it has been delivered like a slow release virus in your system. I can see how that hurt does all the things that the shrinks claim just the basic broken home is supposed to do to all kids of a broken home, weather they are broken or not. And worst of all, I see the parents not realize how much damage they are really doing.
I love my broken home… wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Jeff @ The Gag
PS – Thanks Mom and Dad and Sally. And thanks IP for the new set of eyes.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
My Jon Favreau Story or “Why I’m Such a Tool”
For those of you that don’t immediately recognize the name, Jon Favreau is commonly known as “the other guy” from Swingers (i.e. “not Vince Vaughn”). What most people don’t know is that he actually wrote and directed Swingers, along with Made and has also written and directed a lot of other projects over the years as well as acted in many more.
I had the pleasure of actually meeting Jon Favreau once; unfortunately, my opinion of him after that meeting was less than favorable after what I thought was a brush off answer he gave me during our discussion.
One Friday night a few years ago, I was at the Bob’s Big Boy in Burbank enjoying a classic car night that was heavy on 60s Mustangs, a favorite of mine. After looking over a particularly cherry ’64 convertible, I looked up to see none other than Jon Favreau looking over the same car. Being a big fan of his work, I broke my usual rule of leaving celebrities alone (they’re people too, and I can just imagine that sometimes they just want to hang out like regular people) and walked over to introduce myself.
After making sure it was him by asking, “Jon, right?”, I proceeded to gush a tad by telling him how much I loved Swingers, Made, and his other work and then I asked him what he was currently working on, hoping to get a little inside information from the source.
Then Jon Favreau looked me dead in the eye and said, “Jumanji 2”.
I said, “Oh, cool.” and thanked him for talking to me and slowly walked away like he had just told me he was into juggling kittens.
In case you don’t remember, Jumanji was a movie starring Robin Williams that came out in the mid 90s and told the story of two children who find a magical board game that causes them all kinds of trouble when it “comes alive” and destroys their house. In my opinion, it was actually a good movie and I’m sure kids loved it… alas, it just didn’t do that well at the box office (I think it did get a little more life on video).
So, when I heard Jon Favreau say that he was working on a sequel, I immediately thought he was pulling my chain as a way to ditch a rabid fan. Later on, I even told friends that I met Jon Favreau and thought he was kind of a jerk because he brushed me off with a BS answer to a legit question.
So, a few years later I’m sitting in a midnight show for Serenity in Hollywood and I see a preview for a movie coming out this holiday season called Zathura, about two kids who find a board game that whisks their house out into space and causes all kinds of problems. Then, just as I make a mental note to try and see that with my godson, the movie wraps up with the tagline “From the World of Jumanji”.
Oh no…
The next morning, I check the Internet Movie Database and sure enough, Zathura is directed by… Jon Favreau… I am such a tool.
This whole time I’ve been slandering one of my favorite people in Hollywood and it turns out what I thought was a way to ditch me was a totally legit answer. And the really sad part is that there’s little chance that I’ll meet up with the guy again and get the chance to apologize… although I doubt he even remembers me or that I could have possibly been ticked at the answer he gave me back then.
I really don’t have a moral to this story outside of avoid being a tool to Jon Favreau, but it does make for a great story… when I need to be reminded of what a tool I can be… sigh.
Jeff @ The Gag
I had the pleasure of actually meeting Jon Favreau once; unfortunately, my opinion of him after that meeting was less than favorable after what I thought was a brush off answer he gave me during our discussion.
One Friday night a few years ago, I was at the Bob’s Big Boy in Burbank enjoying a classic car night that was heavy on 60s Mustangs, a favorite of mine. After looking over a particularly cherry ’64 convertible, I looked up to see none other than Jon Favreau looking over the same car. Being a big fan of his work, I broke my usual rule of leaving celebrities alone (they’re people too, and I can just imagine that sometimes they just want to hang out like regular people) and walked over to introduce myself.
After making sure it was him by asking, “Jon, right?”, I proceeded to gush a tad by telling him how much I loved Swingers, Made, and his other work and then I asked him what he was currently working on, hoping to get a little inside information from the source.
Then Jon Favreau looked me dead in the eye and said, “Jumanji 2”.
I said, “Oh, cool.” and thanked him for talking to me and slowly walked away like he had just told me he was into juggling kittens.
In case you don’t remember, Jumanji was a movie starring Robin Williams that came out in the mid 90s and told the story of two children who find a magical board game that causes them all kinds of trouble when it “comes alive” and destroys their house. In my opinion, it was actually a good movie and I’m sure kids loved it… alas, it just didn’t do that well at the box office (I think it did get a little more life on video).
So, when I heard Jon Favreau say that he was working on a sequel, I immediately thought he was pulling my chain as a way to ditch a rabid fan. Later on, I even told friends that I met Jon Favreau and thought he was kind of a jerk because he brushed me off with a BS answer to a legit question.
So, a few years later I’m sitting in a midnight show for Serenity in Hollywood and I see a preview for a movie coming out this holiday season called Zathura, about two kids who find a board game that whisks their house out into space and causes all kinds of problems. Then, just as I make a mental note to try and see that with my godson, the movie wraps up with the tagline “From the World of Jumanji”.
Oh no…
The next morning, I check the Internet Movie Database and sure enough, Zathura is directed by… Jon Favreau… I am such a tool.
This whole time I’ve been slandering one of my favorite people in Hollywood and it turns out what I thought was a way to ditch me was a totally legit answer. And the really sad part is that there’s little chance that I’ll meet up with the guy again and get the chance to apologize… although I doubt he even remembers me or that I could have possibly been ticked at the answer he gave me back then.
I really don’t have a moral to this story outside of avoid being a tool to Jon Favreau, but it does make for a great story… when I need to be reminded of what a tool I can be… sigh.
Jeff @ The Gag
Friday, September 30, 2005
Definition of Geek
"Going to see a midnight showing of Serenity because its regular release date conflicts with your regular game of Dungeons and Dragons."
For those of you not in the know, "Serenity" is the full length motion picture out cropping of the short lived Firefly television series. The show was a particularly creative piece of science fiction that teamed elements of space adventure and westerns... yeah, I know, not a lot of other people got it either, which is why it was cancelled three episodes into the 13 they filmed. It did, however, have a large fan base, so now its director has a three picture deal so the series can live on, plus you can get all of the original episodes on DVD, naturally.
The movie was pretty good... I'm sure the fans will eat it up. I know the crowd last night cheered its way through it all, even the parts that were a little thin, but hey, rabid fans are like that. I'll defend Blade Runner any day of the week to people who think it's a slow, outdated piece of sci-fi trash, but that argument doesn't come up often anymore.
I won't defend the fact that I play Dungeons and Dragons... much. I only play once a month and this is the first game I've played since high school, so I've been relatively geek free in that area for some time now and only ventured back into it all because a friend of mine wrote the adventure... and my Friday night plans have been kind of thin lately...
By the way, unless you happen to find a really cool geek girl, having geek like tendencies is a real pain to explain away... trust me, you really hope the fact that you've still got comics books at 34 is something they find endearing otherwise your D & D nights multiply with all speed. I have a new friend that is a geek girl, and probably one of the most interesting people I've met in years... of course, hanging out with a geek girl gets you into some pretty funny discussions on who's the bigger geek... outsiders would eat it up I'm sure.
Well... I'm off... need to roll up my character for tonight... sigh...
Jeff @ The Gag
