The Gag Blog

Oh man, this just kills me for some reason...

Jennifer Shiman of AngryAlien.com has been putting together a collection of Flash animations that parody a variety of movies, summarized in just 30 seconds... oh, and they all star bunnies. And not just any bunnies, but bunnies that, despite all looking pretty much the same, somehow are dead ringers for the actors in the movies. Her cover of Jaws is perhaps one of the best examples of this, however, any of the shorts from "The Exorcist" to "It's a Wonderful Life" get so close you wonder if Jennifer spends a little too much time watching the flicks she makes fun of on her site.

The site has been around for some time, but in my opinion, not enough people know about her work. She recently just signed a deal with the Starz cable network to do a bunch more (funding!), so look for covers of slasher movies like Freddy Vs. Jason, plus a ton of other classics to appear on the site (and on Starz) soon.

While you're going through the collection, make sure to try to click and listen to everything at the beginning and end of each short. For example, the little bunny at the end of Jaws will sing the theme the more you click on him or click on the little bunny heads at the end of It's a Wonderful Life for some deleted scenes.

Enjoy!

Jeff @ The Gag

On days when I'm doing consulting stuff, I work from a home office. However, sometimes if I'm being distracted by something in my house, like a new game ("National Lampoon's College Tycoon") or my nut case of a cat ("Fang The Fearless"), I take my laptop to a coffee shop or restaurant with wireless access and phone it in for the day. I had such a day this past week, so I packed up my laptop and my MP3 player (to drown out traffic, or people, whatever) and headed over to a local fast food place that now has wireless access in the dining area.

(Before I get too deep into this story, I need to let you guys know that I'm a real coupon freak. I don't know where this came from, but I just love a good coupon. So, when I saw a coupon for a new salad thing at this particular restaurant, I had to go use it lest I anger the coupon gods who would smite me by removing the coupons from my Sunday paper.)

So, before I got settled in a spot in the dining area, I decided to grab some breakfast using my freshly cut coupon. I could tell already that the counter was having issues as there were two grumpy looking patrons simmering in their own juices. One was apparently short changed, the other didn't get the correct order, despite the fact that it was one breakfast sandwich and a coffee. Now a lesser man would have turned and ran at the sight of this chaos, but that would mean wasting a good coupon and I just couldn't let that happen, so I powered through to the counter.

I was actually in line with a young lady you'll hear more from in a minute, but was called over to a different register by a little square of a person in a sweater vest. I presented him the coupon and said I would like what was required (a new salad and a water)... The coupon apparently confused him completely and left him without the use of the spoken word and with a series of grunts and clicks, took me back to the first young woman, who was now screwing up another person's order. The square grunter counterperson placed the coupon on the young lady's register and went back to his register in a flash only reserved for avoiding work.

Now, before I tell you what the young woman at the counter actually said, let me throw out a few things that could have been used in this instance... For example "Good morning, sir. How may I help you?" would have been a great place to start. Or, if she wanted to make things a little less formal, I probably would have taken something like "OK, what do we have here?" Instead, what I got was "What am I supposed to do with this?", which baffled me since it was their coupon and not a note asking them to put all of the cash in a to go bag or for her to flash me on a dare. Playing along, I replied, "It's a coupon for a dollar off a salad when I buy a water or an orange juice."

Once again, here was her chance to save the day by saying something like "Of course, do you want the water or the orange juice?" But instead, I got "I don't see orange juice on here." in a really snotty tone. She had me there, I had actually grabbed the coupon that didn't have the option of one or the other, just the water, but since I hadn't ordered OJ at this point, I was a little put off by the tone of her voice. It's not like I tried to short change her on a drug deal or something, I was just trying to get a meal and get away from this little ray of sunshine.

I'm a pretty nice guy when I have to deal with retail personnel... I worked at a Radio Shack when I was in college and it was one of the worst times of my life because the customers would just treat you like filth most of the time... So I made myself a promise to never harass someone that has to work in retail or a restaurant because they probably have enough troubles with the mental midgets of the world. So, in this instance, I admitted was wrong about the OJ, told her I would just take the water, and ordered a few other items (which I was glad I did as the salad thing didn't fill up the bowl it came in... Really disappointing). I was in such a rush to get away from this woman at this point that when she said she was out of pennies, I told her not to sweat it and retreated to the dining area.

Once I got over to the dining area, I got to witness another restaurant pet peeve and another reason why I brought my MP3 player along. Besides the trouble the young lady at the counter was having with real customers, there was also some other employees in the dining area that were apparently on break. One of them had apparently ordered something from the employee of the month and had yet to receive her breakfast. Again, there are a couple of ways to handle this situation, like waiting patiently and not interrupting the actual customers. Instead, I got to listen to this woman yell at her coworker for not giving up her breakfast yet, and not in a kidding kind of way, the chick was ticked.

For some reason, I'm really sensitive to this kind of stuff at restaurants or any retail place of business. I really don't need to hear employees arguing or even talking about what a great weekend they had or what a pain their significant other was last night. These are all conversations that need to happen behind the curtain so that we, the customers, are given the allusion of a professional business and not a cat house. Oh, and make sure it doesn't actually interfere with doing business or you'll really tick me off... A friend of mine who I told this story to today, told me about a time where two waitresses got in a near cat fight in front of her table because they were after the same cute bus boy... Take it outside you bunch of mindless hacks!

By the way, this place wasn't a total loss today. There was actually a really nice older guy who was in charge of keeping the dining room area clean and possessed the kind of old school work ethic that you just don't see often enough. Besides being on top of his actual job, as soon as he saw me pull out my laptop, the dude ran over and told me that he could get me a coupon for a free couple of hours of wireless access... Now that's service! That wasn't even a stretch of the imagination... See laptop, offer coupon for wireless... I may name kids after this man.

Jeff @ The Gag

I called this "The Anti-Snob Post" because, at first, it may seem that what I'm saying about fashion is kind of snobby, but in reality, I'm really saying it because it's snobbery that has got us all to this point and I'm speaking out against it all. That said...

Have you noticed how many people wear t-shirts with the names of fashion designers on them? It seems like they're everywhere... Bebe, Tommy Hilfiger, DKNY (Donna Karen), and so on, plus there's always a new batch coming out every day it seems (I've seen a lot of Ecko Unlimited lately). But what I keep asking myself is, do the people that wear these t-shirts actually wear any of these designers' clothing? Beyond the t-shirts that is...

I'm betting they don't... most of the time, when you take a good look at the person, they really don't seem like they could wear a $1000 dress or a $200 dress shirt... in fact, it looks like the shirt may have broke the bank for that month. It's the equivalent of someone who is obviously out of shape wearing a Nike t-shirt... Nike is smart enough that they probably don't even make in a person that big's size just to avoid that kind of brand suicide.

Like I said before, this isn't a snob thing... I actually can't stand the whole designer thing and outside of a couple of really nice suits and a Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirt in my closet, modern fashion and I are not close friends at all. So my point here is really, why bother with a t-shirt with a designers name on it if you can't afford the real clothing that you're advertising? Or, from the point of view of the designer, is a person who can't afford your clothing advertising your clothing brand name what you really meant to accomplish when you had the shirts made up in the first place? Sure, maybe these are swap meet knock offs or something like that, but that would just make me work that much harder to stop the knock offs.

The people that wear these shirts are pretty into themselves, so I'm pretty sure this plea will fall on deaf ears. But, for those of you that get exactly what I'm talking about, you now having something else to laugh at these suckers about.

Jeff @ The Gag

Here's an idea that might save everyone on some post breakup therapy at some point...

It wasn't you, it wasn't them... It was "us"...

And my point here is, when you're talking about relationships, it really comes down to compatibility.

Here's the thing... the two of you are actually really great people... Really. Sure, there are plenty of bad, evil people in the world, but I'm not talking about them... I'm talking about the regular people that are just making their way through life one day at a time... for the most part, we're talking really great people. Sure, when you're fresh out of a relationship that ended somewhat badly (or even one that supposedly ended well, until you have some time to think about it), you've got all kinds of venom towards the other person, but think about it, you were attracted to this person at one point for a really good reason.

In fact, the two of you would probably make pretty decent friends if you can get past having to cry every time you talk to each other. Remember, for the most part, you two hit it off pretty good... Which is why you started dating in the first place.

The thing is, when it comes to being a couple, there are some serious compatibility issues that got in the way... It could be how you looked at relationships in general, your philosophies towards money, or sex, or having children (or having pets for that matter), politics, religion, etc... All things big enough to screw up any good couple...

But that's just it... They were differences in philosophies... The two of you are not bad people, and your ideas on how things should work would look perfectly sane to other people, just not to each other. Hell, you may even match up on some of the biggies... Politics, religion, musical tastes an so forth... But just not enough to make it in the end.

And you know what, that's OK... While it did end up wrecking a marriage or other relationship in the end, I think when you write the history of your marriage or relationship, I'd put it that you were OK, and they were OK, but the two of you just weren't compatible... And that's... OK...

So there... Take it or leave it... As the two of you progress through life, having to tell people why you two broke up or got divorced , or thinking you need to spend lots of time and money talking to therapists, you've got a short, elevator pitch done and ready to go at any moment... How cool is that?

Jeff @ The Gag

The other day while running some errands, a sticker on the back of a van caught my eye that read “Real Men Love Jesus”. The sticker was designed so that “Real Men” was in black text on a white background and “Love Jesus” was in white text on a black field so that the point of the sticker really stood out. On the other side of the back window of the same van there was another sticker that said “Real Men Pray” and was designed similarly to the other sticker, except that this one was crammed into an oval.

These two car window proclamations got me thinking a lot about the concept of “real men” and how much we seem to see this title thrown around for a lot of causes and how insulting it can really be, if you think about it long enough… which I did. For instance, if you don’t love Jesus, as the sticker I first saw stated, you are apparently made of wood because you certainly aren’t a real man. What if you don’t pray? Does that make you a wax figure of some sort? I just want to get the rules straightened out so I can tell my mom she gave birth to a mannequin.

These stickers reminded me of the first time I can remember hearing the phrase “real men”, which was some time ago when people were saying “real men don’t eat quiche”. Problem is a real man does in fact eat quiche… I’ve seen it with my own eyes and even done it myself a couple of times… usually for breakfast or occasionally at a party in those adorable mini forms. And why shouldn’t we eat quiche, the wooden and wax men certainly don’t need them or any other kind of food, so we might as well pick up the slack.

I saw another variation on this theme in a public service ad not too long ago, which stated that “it takes a real man to be a father”. Well, there’s a concept I can get behind because holograms would most definitely make horrible fathers, and by extension horrible babysitters or dog walkers. Sure, they would probably be a lot more fun at show and tell time, but in reality, you probably need someone a little more solid to take care of the kids.

I know, I’m just playing with the semantics of the language here, but hopefully you’re starting to see my point… we’re all “real men”. Heck, we get the title of “real men” for just showing up at the party every day without having to love Jesus or not eat quiche, hence the title of this article (and even the designation of being atom based includes the wooden and wax men previously discussed). So how about we raise the bar here and, instead of making such an effort to be “real men”, let’s strive to be “good men” or, even better, “great men”.

Being a good man doesn’t seem too hard and from what I see in the movies it usually has something to do with how you treat women. Think about it, you usually hear the phrase “he’s a good man” when a woman is pleading the case of her latest love interest to her parents. It’s a nice thought, really, and takes just a bit more effort than showing up for the gig on time… you actually have to put in the effort of not being a jerk and most of the standards, like having a job, being good with children and animals, and a few others that I won’t get into here.

Getting the phrase “good man” into wider use also gives us a great opposing title, “bad man”, as in “the bad man took my handbag, officer”. If we were all on the good man/bad man tip, the officer would immediately know who to start looking for since he could obviously remove all the suspects that met the aforementioned requirements. Naturally, men who didn’t have jobs and weren’t big fans of kids and household pets might get a little ruffled, but I’m sure they’re good men for other reasons, like being kind to the elderly or other lines of generic goodness. We may run into a few problems with men who like to use “bad” as slang for “awesome” or some other positive phrase. For instance, if the good man/bad man policy were in effect, Mohammad Ali yelling “I’m a bad man” during a press conference may have women clutching for their handbags, just in case he was that kind of bad man.

Now, how about the designation of “great man” and what does it take to get promoted from “good man” to this obviously higher rank of man? From what I’ve seen it apparently lies somewhere between “good man” and “super man” and comes from heroic or knowledge based activities. Pull a baby from a burning building or save the world from a Martian threat, then you’re a great man. Figure out how to split the atom or how to make quiche smaller while still retaining their full sized flavor, then you may even make the book of “Great Men of Science”. And while we’re thinking about books of great men, we should probably keep records of all the great men in book form if we were going to do this right, that way regular good men couldn’t abuse the title just to get dates or better tables at restaurants.

Now, there’s something to start making stickers about! Imagine rolling down the street on your way to work and seeing a sticker that proclaimed “good men take out the trash without being asked” or “great men save the Earth from pod people”. You could get behind that because there would be little disagreement that if you did those things, you would deserve the title and if you didn’t, you would need to find something equally good or great to make the team. I’m sure we’ll have a few people that won’t get it at first and at some point see a few stickers that say “good men don’t eat quiche” or “great men only save us from Martians, not Venusians”, but those we can work out without much debate at the monthly meetings.

For some reason, this week has been incredibly busy and doesn’t look like it’s going to let up anytime soon, so below is my recap of my visit to the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival this past weekend in short form… I promise I will try and revamp this when I have some time.

The Bands

Surprises
Boom Bip – if you closed your eyes and listened to these guys, you would swear it was all electronic, but on stage, you can see that they are old school musicians with some real talent.

The Ravonettes – A very cool mix of a 50’s doo-wop sound and electric guitars.

Kasabian – I apparently have just been missing the boat on this one as they have quite the following. Think Oasis, but without the fighting and a better drummer.

Gang of Four – More than just a Brit Pop band, these guys can rock.


Awesome
The Chemical Brothers – These guys know how to work a room! The “Rave Tent” was on fire with activity that the group really played off of as it leapt from favorite to favorite, new and old… hated to leave this one to go see Coldplay.

The Prodigy – Always a favorite of mine and I was obviously not alone as most people followed me over to the Rave Tent after Nine Inch Nails finished up.

Bauhaus – Like any concert, you usually walk away with one song stuck in your head… this time is was “Bella Lagosi’s Dead”. Besides a fantastic performance, I was just amazed to watch the lead singer do the aforementioned song while hanging upside down… the whole 12 minute song… amazing.

Weezer – Sure, it was like watching a “best of” concert, but I guess that just goes to show the talent of this band.

Wilco – One of the bands I was really looking forward to seeing and they did not disappoint. Really amazed they performed all of “Kidsmoke (Spiders)” on stage as it’s a long piece, but they nailed it just the same. I plan on catching them when they hit the Greek Theater in June.

Nine Inch Nails – Wow… the man can put on a show.


Good, But Some Issues
Coldplay – OK, first, they did put on a good show… everything sounded great (unlike New Order), but, I just felt like it was a little “sloppy”. I’m having a hard time coming up with a better word to use here, but that’s really what it felt like to me.

New Order – Like above, this was a great performance and they played a great mix of old and new stuff… however, they were having some issues with the bass guitar for most of the show and it really distracted me the whole time.

Disappointments
Snow Patrol – I don’t know if it was really them or the fact that I was dying of thirst in a sea of people near the stage, but I just couldn’t get into these guys. Plus, the lead singer just didn’t seem to have the same range as I’ve heard on the album, which was a let down.

Jem – For some reason, I was really looking forward to seeing this band, but I got turned off pretty early… probably because they had them on the wrong stage (Kasabian should have been on the Outdoor stage and these guys should have been in a tent). The sealer was a really soulless cover of “Baby, I’m Amazed”.

Don’t Get It
Bloc Party – the local alt station in Los Angeles was raving about these guys (although they don’t actually play their stuff), so I checked them out during my rotation around the grounds. I really couldn’t see what the fuss was about.

WTF?
Buck 65 – Think Johnny Cash, with two turntables and a microphone. Oddly alluring, but weird…

Gram Rabbit – Frickin’ bizarre, yet amazingly attractive. A really hot lead singer, surrounded by three plain looking guys, playing a mix of electronica and rap.. oh, and two women dressed in bondage rabbit costumes… read that again if needed.

More on the scene and some other thoughts about the stage of alt radio in LA to come.

Jeff @ The Gag