The Gag Blog

Happy Freakin’ Holidays

2005-12-13T13:30:00.000-08:00

A couple of times in my life, I really hated this time of year. It wasn’t so much Christmas or the other holidays around it so much, but what the holidays did to people and what I was doing at the time that brought on this hatred.

The first time was a three year stint I did at Radio Shack in college. I should have seen this coming, Radio Shack is one of the worst places on Earth to work. It comes from a combination really bad products and odd people who really love those really bad products that starts you down the road of bad places to work, really, but you top that off with the fact that they put their employees on a commission based salary when most of what they sell is batteries and transistors, you get a truly horrible work environment. As a bonus, the one time of year when you actually can make a commission, the holidays, the corporate office lowers the commission rate so you’re not making nearly as much as you should. And for some reason, I suffered through that for three years… why I didn’t go work at Disneyland like everyone else I knew in college is a real mystery to me to this day.

Anyway, so we’ve established that Radio Shack is a horrible place to work, but let’s talk more about the holidays… when evil really came to town. You see, retail is a hellish occupation on its own, but the holidays really make it shine because of all the extra people all showing up at once. And these aren’t just your regular, everyday consumers; no, these are people who rarely get out of the house except to shop for presents.

And what’s worse, they shopped for them at Radio Shack, who despite having a good flow of customers during this time of year, never really has a lot of truly good stuff to sell. Think about any Christmas you like and then try and remember what was the really hot item or toy that season… got it yet? Now, no matter what you thought of, Radio Shack never had it available… I’m not talking “in stock” either, I mean they just didn’t carry anything popular… ever. Yet, people still bought the stuff… but never wanted to buy the right batteries to go with it because they thought this electronic toy ran on magic and good intentions.

There’s a lot more to this story, but I’ll save it. The point is, a few holidays like that and you really lose your Christmas spirit.

The second time was the previous couple of years. The Gag is now going through its fourth Christmas and, thanks to all of you, it keeps growing year after year. Well, for a couple of years there, it was still small enough that I was filling all the orders myself, yet big enough that I was up until all hours of the night filling said orders while still holding down a full time job. This left very little time for all the fun parts of the holidays… the parties, the Christmas specials, the shopping, what have you… I lost all of that for those two years because if I tried to skip a night to do something fun, the orders would double up on me and I wouldn’t get to sleep at all.

Naturally, this too will suck the holiday spirit right out of you.

Luckily, I don’t have to work retail anymore and The Gag got large enough this year that I got to bring in help in filling orders. So, now I can go back to really enjoying the holidays and out of respect for my retail brethren, I do all my shopping online. And of course, I am back to where I really love this time of year again.

So, from all of us here at The Gag, I would like to wish you all a Happy Holiday Season and the best to all of you in the new year.

Jeff @ The Gag

PS – By the way, you’ll notice I said “Happy Holidays” up there. I know there is a lot of controversy right now about how people think we should go back to saying “Merry Christmas” or whatever. The problem I have with saying “Merry Christmas” doesn’t have anything to do with being “PC”, but just polite and practical. I need everyone to remember that you say things like the generic “happy holidays” because you don’t always know the religion of the person you’re speaking to at that moment… I personally work with a wide variety of Christians, Jews, and even Atheist who celebrate the Winter Solstice just to have something to do, and those are just the people I know.

Anyway, when you start to get really ticked about the fact that you don’t see “Merry Christmas” on the signs at Target, just remember that you’re not the only person in the world and you have to share it with everyone else… and in the US, there’s a really good chance everyone around could be something else besides what you are. And if you’re still angry… well then, you’re probably just forgetting the real reason for the season… and it has nothing to do what is printed on the signs.

J.

One Thing In This World I Need Less Of…

2005-12-01T11:25:00.000-08:00

I’ve decided that there is at least one thing in this world that I need less of… nude old guys talking to me at the gym. Let’s take that apart and analyze it shall we?

We’ll start with the end of the sentence because it’s really the easiest and it sets the scene for the attacks. Both men and women know the horrors that can occur in a gym locker room… bad hygiene, rude people jumping your claim on a sink, or selfish bogarting the area around the lockers to make it their own person dressing zone. These are all minor issues to me as I can easily just move away from the person in question, so let’s move on.

Now, back to the beginning of the sentence… “nude old guys”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of any nude guys. Despite my abilities to cook and keep a clean house, I’m a fan of the female form and planning on sticking with it for a long time. However, in this instance, I’ve noticed that it’s the old guys at the gym that are the biggest offenders as the younger set know to keep their distance.

And the final part of the equation… “talking to me”. I think I could really keep my sanity in check if there were just nude old guys at the gym; after all, it is a locker room and I drop trou like the rest of them. However, where these guys cross the line are when they start chatting me up about anything and everything… without covering up. This is basically an extension of the no talking in the bathroom rule guys have taken to the extreme, because now these guys are completely a sway, chatty, and for some reason, prone to putting one leg up on the little stools they have around the locker area. And of course, they usually do this to you while you’re sitting there putting your shoes on or something, you’re at exactly the right height to get clean shot of the future of your own junk as this guy tells you about his weekend of boating or what have you.

So, as a member of the male side of the human race, nude old guys talking to me at the gym take note – knock it off, you’re wiggin’ me out.

Jeff @ The Gag

Maybe

2005-11-12T18:15:00.000-08:00

Maybe tonight will be the night she lets me kiss her goodnight.
Maybe this time she’ll let me hold her hand.
Maybe we’ll be more than friends.
Maybe she’ll see that she deserves more than she thinks.
Maybe she’ll think that what she wants is me.
Maybe not.

Maybe I’ll figure out why she got to me so much with so little.
Maybe her voice will not catch my attention so much.
Maybe I’ll stop looking her way.
Maybe she’ll blend into the background where she was before.
Maybe I can just forget her and move on.
Maybe not.

Becoming Mongo

2005-10-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that when you’re around someone new that you really like that you suddenly drop several IQ points? I don’t want to sound like a braggart, but I’m a fairly intelligent person… decently schooled, well read, etc., but for some reason lately, I’m walking around like I should have been held back at about the junior high school level.

The other day, I jumped out of the car to help pump gas and suddenly, I appear to have forgotten how to secure the little self-pump latch that has been on pumps for about a decade now. What the hell is that? I know how that part works and suddenly, in the presence of someone who I’m hoping the most I don’t look like an idiot in front of, I’m pawing at this crude device like I was one of the apes that didn’t make it up to the monolith in time.

Here’s another one… I love to cook, taken classes and the whole deal, including one on handling knives (really good knives can be dangerous). Yet, when I’m asked to help lately, I’m fumbling all over the cutting board like I was wielding a scythe to chop mushrooms… even nailed the back of my hand… the back!

Motor functions… speech… the whole deal… I’m actually devolving at a time when I need to be at the top of my game. Let’s just pray it comes across at endearing later instead of “what on Earth am I doing hanging out with this troglodyte?”

Jeff @ The Gag

The Parent Trap

2005-10-24T18:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you have to see how bad something can get before you really discover how good you really have it in life. Sometimes you wander through most of your life thinking that you got a crap deal when it turns out, you were living the life and you should really shut the hell up and be grateful you had what you did all these years. Sometimes it takes a new person in your life to see all these things.

To hear the psychologists tell it, I came from a “broken home”, that is, my parents were divorced. I was eight years old when it happened, my sister was just four. I didn’t really understand the reasons until I was in my teens, but by then, being angry about them seemed pointless. From what I understand, I should be pretty “broken” myself… closed off emotionally, quick to distrust others, hard to get to know, etc., but I’m not… never really was, actually. Sure, I’m single now, but I don’t blame them for that (personally, I blame the Dutch, but that’s another issue).

My mom and dad, and step mom, are amazing. They knew that there were kids involved and made every effort to ensure that my sister and I could never use the divorce as a crutch in life. My dad moved literally across the street from my mother’s house so that we could always be close (made for a great escape route when things got tough at any one location). The court mandated visitation was just a spring board for our time with our dad. We still had big family holiday dinners. My mom even watched my half-brother when he was young… who does that? I know parents who are still married who don’t get along this well.

Yet, we’re “broken”, right?

Today, my dad and I hang out like we were great friends rather than father and son. My mom is renowned for being one of the best mom’s in North America… to the point where exes miss her more than me post-breakup. And my step-mom manages to one of the cooler people I know, despite everything you’ve been raised to know about “step-monsters”.

I’ve seen some real pain dealt out by parents… deep, psychological stuff that makes your heart ache and does damage years after it has been delivered like a slow release virus in your system. I can see how that hurt does all the things that the shrinks claim just the basic broken home is supposed to do to all kids of a broken home, weather they are broken or not. And worst of all, I see the parents not realize how much damage they are really doing.

I love my broken home… wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Jeff @ The Gag

PS – Thanks Mom and Dad and Sally. And thanks IP for the new set of eyes.

My Jon Favreau Story or “Why I’m Such a Tool”

2005-10-11T11:43:00.000-07:00

For those of you that don’t immediately recognize the name, Jon Favreau is commonly known as “the other guy” from Swingers (i.e. “not Vince Vaughn”). What most people don’t know is that he actually wrote and directed Swingers, along with Made and has also written and directed a lot of other projects over the years as well as acted in many more.

I had the pleasure of actually meeting Jon Favreau once; unfortunately, my opinion of him after that meeting was less than favorable after what I thought was a brush off answer he gave me during our discussion.

One Friday night a few years ago, I was at the Bob’s Big Boy in Burbank enjoying a classic car night that was heavy on 60s Mustangs, a favorite of mine. After looking over a particularly cherry ’64 convertible, I looked up to see none other than Jon Favreau looking over the same car. Being a big fan of his work, I broke my usual rule of leaving celebrities alone (they’re people too, and I can just imagine that sometimes they just want to hang out like regular people) and walked over to introduce myself.

After making sure it was him by asking, “Jon, right?”, I proceeded to gush a tad by telling him how much I loved Swingers, Made, and his other work and then I asked him what he was currently working on, hoping to get a little inside information from the source.

Then Jon Favreau looked me dead in the eye and said, “Jumanji 2”.

I said, “Oh, cool.” and thanked him for talking to me and slowly walked away like he had just told me he was into juggling kittens.

In case you don’t remember, Jumanji was a movie starring Robin Williams that came out in the mid 90s and told the story of two children who find a magical board game that causes them all kinds of trouble when it “comes alive” and destroys their house. In my opinion, it was actually a good movie and I’m sure kids loved it… alas, it just didn’t do that well at the box office (I think it did get a little more life on video).

So, when I heard Jon Favreau say that he was working on a sequel, I immediately thought he was pulling my chain as a way to ditch a rabid fan. Later on, I even told friends that I met Jon Favreau and thought he was kind of a jerk because he brushed me off with a BS answer to a legit question.

So, a few years later I’m sitting in a midnight show for Serenity in Hollywood and I see a preview for a movie coming out this holiday season called Zathura, about two kids who find a board game that whisks their house out into space and causes all kinds of problems. Then, just as I make a mental note to try and see that with my godson, the movie wraps up with the tagline “From the World of Jumanji”.

Oh no…

The next morning, I check the Internet Movie Database and sure enough, Zathura is directed by… Jon Favreau… I am such a tool.

This whole time I’ve been slandering one of my favorite people in Hollywood and it turns out what I thought was a way to ditch me was a totally legit answer. And the really sad part is that there’s little chance that I’ll meet up with the guy again and get the chance to apologize… although I doubt he even remembers me or that I could have possibly been ticked at the answer he gave me back then.

I really don’t have a moral to this story outside of avoid being a tool to Jon Favreau, but it does make for a great story… when I need to be reminded of what a tool I can be… sigh.

Jeff @ The Gag

Definition of Geek

2005-09-30T15:00:00.000-07:00

"Going to see a midnight showing of Serenity because its regular release date conflicts with your regular game of Dungeons and Dragons."

For those of you not in the know, "Serenity" is the full length motion picture out cropping of the short lived Firefly television series. The show was a particularly creative piece of science fiction that teamed elements of space adventure and westerns... yeah, I know, not a lot of other people got it either, which is why it was cancelled three episodes into the 13 they filmed. It did, however, have a large fan base, so now its director has a three picture deal so the series can live on, plus you can get all of the original episodes on DVD, naturally.

The movie was pretty good... I'm sure the fans will eat it up. I know the crowd last night cheered its way through it all, even the parts that were a little thin, but hey, rabid fans are like that. I'll defend Blade Runner any day of the week to people who think it's a slow, outdated piece of sci-fi trash, but that argument doesn't come up often anymore.

I won't defend the fact that I play Dungeons and Dragons... much. I only play once a month and this is the first game I've played since high school, so I've been relatively geek free in that area for some time now and only ventured back into it all because a friend of mine wrote the adventure... and my Friday night plans have been kind of thin lately...

By the way, unless you happen to find a really cool geek girl, having geek like tendencies is a real pain to explain away... trust me, you really hope the fact that you've still got comics books at 34 is something they find endearing otherwise your D & D nights multiply with all speed. I have a new friend that is a geek girl, and probably one of the most interesting people I've met in years... of course, hanging out with a geek girl gets you into some pretty funny discussions on who's the bigger geek... outsiders would eat it up I'm sure.

Well... I'm off... need to roll up my character for tonight... sigh...

Jeff @ The Gag

Enough With The Free Checking...

2005-07-27T22:04:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what it's like in other parts of the country, but Los Angeles has been inundated with commercials from banks talking about their "Free Checking!" and how other banks aren't really free. Problem is, all the banks are saying this... that's right, all are saying they have "totally free checking" and poking fun at how all the other banks have hidden fees on their supposedly free checking...

But they all say the same thing... all of them.. so who the heck are they talking about here?

The two most talkative offenders have been Wells Fargo and Washington Mutual... and admittedly, their commercials can be pretty funny... once... but you still keep coming back to the question of who the heck they are making fun of in their ads?

I mean, there really aren't any independent banks anymore... I think we're down to three bank chains totally these days (not including the credit unions) and all of them offer "totally free checking". How about we change the subject and move on to why my interest rate is so pathetic or why WAMU went to the creepy open concept thing that makes you feel like you walked into someone's office by mistake.

I'm just saying... mix it up a bit, huh?

Jeff @ The Gag

Scratch Golfer

2005-07-05T17:33:00.000-07:00

Here's something weird I noticed recently... I was watching an interview with one of the old school comedians the other day and near the end of the discussion, after what a great person he was and how much funnier he was in person and so on, he finished up with "and you know the most interesting thing about Jackie Gleason? He was a 'scratch golfer'."

Then it hit me... I've heard that before, and not just about Gleason, but about a lot of the old school comedians... most of the Marx Brothers (especially Harpo), Henny Youngman, Red Buttons, you name it... all of them scratch golfers.

For those of you that don't know, being a 'scratch golfer' means you have a zero handicap, that is, what you shoot is what your score is without getting any strokes removed to level the field with better players. As you can imagine, this is a fairly difficult thing to achieve. To give you an example, Tiger Woods is a + 9.7 handicap, which means even if he pars every hole, he's still over par by 9.7 by the end of the round. Usually, the handicap goes the other way for the weekend variety golfer like myself, which means I'd get to take off so many strokes at the end of the game. Anyway, I'm kind of off the point here...

The question I have here is, were they really all scratch golfers? Or was this an inside joke that will live on forever in interviews? I guess we'll never know... but wouldn't that be a cool trend to start when you're talking about a dear friend? "You know, Jeff was a great guy and a real captain of industry... but his most amazing thing? He was a scratch golfer..."

Jeff @ The Gag

Jeff Ferguson - TV Zombie

2005-06-16T17:49:00.000-07:00

Within the last couple of years, I am becoming quite infamous for this bizarre habit I know I've probably had all my life.

Whenever there is a TV on somewhere, I get drawn into it like a moth to a flame... to the point where the rest of the world just melts away and I'm lost in its warm glow. There doesn't even have to be anything interesting on the screen... I'm gone. Sometimes I think if there was just a screen full of white noise static, I'd stare at it like the little girl from Poltergeist.

And trust me, I'm not even much of a TV watcher... honestly. I have a very small handful of shows that I follow and even then, if it weren't for TiVo, I wouldn't even get to watch those. But for some reason, I just can't turn away...

It's gotten so bad that when I go to restaurants that have TVs around, I have to sit with my back to the screen or I'm just a waste of a human being when it comes to conversation. I went out with some friends last night after seeing Batman Begins, and while we were waiting in the bar, I fell out of an active conversation because a TV was on... and it was for conversation of a sumo rodeo or something that I know I have no interest in whatsoever!

The worst is when I'm at home and someone I'm dating wants to talk... and I'm not just talking about serious talks, but anything... just catching up on our days or whatever... I literally have to turn off (or now pause, thank you TiVo!) the program or I'm really not listening... sad.

I'm just glad I don't work someplace where there are TVs on during the day or I'd never get anything done...

Jeff @ The Gag

Something That Made Me Smile

2005-06-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

Comedian Mitch Hedburg, who tragically passed away back in March of this year, provided me with one of those moments where you smile at something not just because it's funny, but also because it makes you feel good. For starters, bless XM Radio for having two comedy channels and playing him and a bunch of other comedians that just don't get enough attention in regular circles.

Anyway, what he said was, basically, he was eating some yogurt one day and apparently the yogurt company was having a contest that he did not know about, so when he took off the lid of the container, it read "Please Try Again". Not knowing that there was contest going on, he thought that the yogurt people were just being encouraging by telling him to take another shot at whatever it was he was doing.

He finished the bit by saying, "Dannon Yogurt - Fruit on the Bottom, Inspiration on Top."

Yesterday, I was drinking a soda and the lid read "Please Try Again" and I just smiled and thought of Mitch... thanks, man.

Jeff @ The Gag

Movies in 30 seconds, Re-enacted by Bunnies

2005-05-16T06:00:00.000-07:00

Oh man, this just kills me for some reason...

Jennifer Shiman of AngryAlien.com has been putting together a collection of Flash animations that parody a variety of movies, summarized in just 30 seconds... oh, and they all star bunnies. And not just any bunnies, but bunnies that, despite all looking pretty much the same, somehow are dead ringers for the actors in the movies. Her cover of Jaws is perhaps one of the best examples of this, however, any of the shorts from "The Exorcist" to "It's a Wonderful Life" get so close you wonder if Jennifer spends a little too much time watching the flicks she makes fun of on her site.

The site has been around for some time, but in my opinion, not enough people know about her work. She recently just signed a deal with the Starz cable network to do a bunch more (funding!), so look for covers of slasher movies like Freddy Vs. Jason, plus a ton of other classics to appear on the site (and on Starz) soon.

While you're going through the collection, make sure to try to click and listen to everything at the beginning and end of each short. For example, the little bunny at the end of Jaws will sing the theme the more you click on him or click on the little bunny heads at the end of It's a Wonderful Life for some deleted scenes.

Enjoy!

Jeff @ The Gag

Cheeseburger, Hold The Attitude, Please

2005-05-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

On days when I'm doing consulting stuff, I work from a home office. However, sometimes if I'm being distracted by something in my house, like a new game ("National Lampoon's College Tycoon") or my nut case of a cat ("Fang The Fearless"), I take my laptop to a coffee shop or restaurant with wireless access and phone it in for the day. I had such a day this past week, so I packed up my laptop and my MP3 player (to drown out traffic, or people, whatever) and headed over to a local fast food place that now has wireless access in the dining area.

(Before I get too deep into this story, I need to let you guys know that I'm a real coupon freak. I don't know where this came from, but I just love a good coupon. So, when I saw a coupon for a new salad thing at this particular restaurant, I had to go use it lest I anger the coupon gods who would smite me by removing the coupons from my Sunday paper.)

So, before I got settled in a spot in the dining area, I decided to grab some breakfast using my freshly cut coupon. I could tell already that the counter was having issues as there were two grumpy looking patrons simmering in their own juices. One was apparently short changed, the other didn't get the correct order, despite the fact that it was one breakfast sandwich and a coffee. Now a lesser man would have turned and ran at the sight of this chaos, but that would mean wasting a good coupon and I just couldn't let that happen, so I powered through to the counter.

I was actually in line with a young lady you'll hear more from in a minute, but was called over to a different register by a little square of a person in a sweater vest. I presented him the coupon and said I would like what was required (a new salad and a water)... The coupon apparently confused him completely and left him without the use of the spoken word and with a series of grunts and clicks, took me back to the first young woman, who was now screwing up another person's order. The square grunter counterperson placed the coupon on the young lady's register and went back to his register in a flash only reserved for avoiding work.

Now, before I tell you what the young woman at the counter actually said, let me throw out a few things that could have been used in this instance... For example "Good morning, sir. How may I help you?" would have been a great place to start. Or, if she wanted to make things a little less formal, I probably would have taken something like "OK, what do we have here?" Instead, what I got was "What am I supposed to do with this?", which baffled me since it was their coupon and not a note asking them to put all of the cash in a to go bag or for her to flash me on a dare. Playing along, I replied, "It's a coupon for a dollar off a salad when I buy a water or an orange juice."

Once again, here was her chance to save the day by saying something like "Of course, do you want the water or the orange juice?" But instead, I got "I don't see orange juice on here." in a really snotty tone. She had me there, I had actually grabbed the coupon that didn't have the option of one or the other, just the water, but since I hadn't ordered OJ at this point, I was a little put off by the tone of her voice. It's not like I tried to short change her on a drug deal or something, I was just trying to get a meal and get away from this little ray of sunshine.

I'm a pretty nice guy when I have to deal with retail personnel... I worked at a Radio Shack when I was in college and it was one of the worst times of my life because the customers would just treat you like filth most of the time... So I made myself a promise to never harass someone that has to work in retail or a restaurant because they probably have enough troubles with the mental midgets of the world. So, in this instance, I admitted was wrong about the OJ, told her I would just take the water, and ordered a few other items (which I was glad I did as the salad thing didn't fill up the bowl it came in... Really disappointing). I was in such a rush to get away from this woman at this point that when she said she was out of pennies, I told her not to sweat it and retreated to the dining area.

Once I got over to the dining area, I got to witness another restaurant pet peeve and another reason why I brought my MP3 player along. Besides the trouble the young lady at the counter was having with real customers, there was also some other employees in the dining area that were apparently on break. One of them had apparently ordered something from the employee of the month and had yet to receive her breakfast. Again, there are a couple of ways to handle this situation, like waiting patiently and not interrupting the actual customers. Instead, I got to listen to this woman yell at her coworker for not giving up her breakfast yet, and not in a kidding kind of way, the chick was ticked.

For some reason, I'm really sensitive to this kind of stuff at restaurants or any retail place of business. I really don't need to hear employees arguing or even talking about what a great weekend they had or what a pain their significant other was last night. These are all conversations that need to happen behind the curtain so that we, the customers, are given the allusion of a professional business and not a cat house. Oh, and make sure it doesn't actually interfere with doing business or you'll really tick me off... A friend of mine who I told this story to today, told me about a time where two waitresses got in a near cat fight in front of her table because they were after the same cute bus boy... Take it outside you bunch of mindless hacks!

By the way, this place wasn't a total loss today. There was actually a really nice older guy who was in charge of keeping the dining room area clean and possessed the kind of old school work ethic that you just don't see often enough. Besides being on top of his actual job, as soon as he saw me pull out my laptop, the dude ran over and told me that he could get me a coupon for a free couple of hours of wireless access... Now that's service! That wasn't even a stretch of the imagination... See laptop, offer coupon for wireless... I may name kids after this man.

Jeff @ The Gag

The Anti-Snob Post

2005-05-11T06:00:00.000-07:00

I called this "The Anti-Snob Post" because, at first, it may seem that what I'm saying about fashion is kind of snobby, but in reality, I'm really saying it because it's snobbery that has got us all to this point and I'm speaking out against it all. That said...

Have you noticed how many people wear t-shirts with the names of fashion designers on them? It seems like they're everywhere... Bebe, Tommy Hilfiger, DKNY (Donna Karen), and so on, plus there's always a new batch coming out every day it seems (I've seen a lot of Ecko Unlimited lately). But what I keep asking myself is, do the people that wear these t-shirts actually wear any of these designers' clothing? Beyond the t-shirts that is...

I'm betting they don't... most of the time, when you take a good look at the person, they really don't seem like they could wear a $1000 dress or a $200 dress shirt... in fact, it looks like the shirt may have broke the bank for that month. It's the equivalent of someone who is obviously out of shape wearing a Nike t-shirt... Nike is smart enough that they probably don't even make in a person that big's size just to avoid that kind of brand suicide.

Like I said before, this isn't a snob thing... I actually can't stand the whole designer thing and outside of a couple of really nice suits and a Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirt in my closet, modern fashion and I are not close friends at all. So my point here is really, why bother with a t-shirt with a designers name on it if you can't afford the real clothing that you're advertising? Or, from the point of view of the designer, is a person who can't afford your clothing advertising your clothing brand name what you really meant to accomplish when you had the shirts made up in the first place? Sure, maybe these are swap meet knock offs or something like that, but that would just make me work that much harder to stop the knock offs.

The people that wear these shirts are pretty into themselves, so I'm pretty sure this plea will fall on deaf ears. But, for those of you that get exactly what I'm talking about, you now having something else to laugh at these suckers about.

Jeff @ The Gag

Advice For People Fresh Out Of A Breakup

2005-05-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

Here's an idea that might save everyone on some post breakup therapy at some point...

It wasn't you, it wasn't them... It was "us"...

And my point here is, when you're talking about relationships, it really comes down to compatibility.

Here's the thing... the two of you are actually really great people... Really. Sure, there are plenty of bad, evil people in the world, but I'm not talking about them... I'm talking about the regular people that are just making their way through life one day at a time... for the most part, we're talking really great people. Sure, when you're fresh out of a relationship that ended somewhat badly (or even one that supposedly ended well, until you have some time to think about it), you've got all kinds of venom towards the other person, but think about it, you were attracted to this person at one point for a really good reason.

In fact, the two of you would probably make pretty decent friends if you can get past having to cry every time you talk to each other. Remember, for the most part, you two hit it off pretty good... Which is why you started dating in the first place.

The thing is, when it comes to being a couple, there are some serious compatibility issues that got in the way... It could be how you looked at relationships in general, your philosophies towards money, or sex, or having children (or having pets for that matter), politics, religion, etc... All things big enough to screw up any good couple...

But that's just it... They were differences in philosophies... The two of you are not bad people, and your ideas on how things should work would look perfectly sane to other people, just not to each other. Hell, you may even match up on some of the biggies... Politics, religion, musical tastes an so forth... But just not enough to make it in the end.

And you know what, that's OK... While it did end up wrecking a marriage or other relationship in the end, I think when you write the history of your marriage or relationship, I'd put it that you were OK, and they were OK, but the two of you just weren't compatible... And that's... OK...

So there... Take it or leave it... As the two of you progress through life, having to tell people why you two broke up or got divorced , or thinking you need to spend lots of time and money talking to therapists, you've got a short, elevator pitch done and ready to go at any moment... How cool is that?

Jeff @ The Gag

Real Men Are Made of Atoms

2005-05-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

The other day while running some errands, a sticker on the back of a van caught my eye that read “Real Men Love Jesus”. The sticker was designed so that “Real Men” was in black text on a white background and “Love Jesus” was in white text on a black field so that the point of the sticker really stood out. On the other side of the back window of the same van there was another sticker that said “Real Men Pray” and was designed similarly to the other sticker, except that this one was crammed into an oval.

These two car window proclamations got me thinking a lot about the concept of “real men” and how much we seem to see this title thrown around for a lot of causes and how insulting it can really be, if you think about it long enough… which I did. For instance, if you don’t love Jesus, as the sticker I first saw stated, you are apparently made of wood because you certainly aren’t a real man. What if you don’t pray? Does that make you a wax figure of some sort? I just want to get the rules straightened out so I can tell my mom she gave birth to a mannequin.

These stickers reminded me of the first time I can remember hearing the phrase “real men”, which was some time ago when people were saying “real men don’t eat quiche”. Problem is a real man does in fact eat quiche… I’ve seen it with my own eyes and even done it myself a couple of times… usually for breakfast or occasionally at a party in those adorable mini forms. And why shouldn’t we eat quiche, the wooden and wax men certainly don’t need them or any other kind of food, so we might as well pick up the slack.

I saw another variation on this theme in a public service ad not too long ago, which stated that “it takes a real man to be a father”. Well, there’s a concept I can get behind because holograms would most definitely make horrible fathers, and by extension horrible babysitters or dog walkers. Sure, they would probably be a lot more fun at show and tell time, but in reality, you probably need someone a little more solid to take care of the kids.

I know, I’m just playing with the semantics of the language here, but hopefully you’re starting to see my point… we’re all “real men”. Heck, we get the title of “real men” for just showing up at the party every day without having to love Jesus or not eat quiche, hence the title of this article (and even the designation of being atom based includes the wooden and wax men previously discussed). So how about we raise the bar here and, instead of making such an effort to be “real men”, let’s strive to be “good men” or, even better, “great men”.

Being a good man doesn’t seem too hard and from what I see in the movies it usually has something to do with how you treat women. Think about it, you usually hear the phrase “he’s a good man” when a woman is pleading the case of her latest love interest to her parents. It’s a nice thought, really, and takes just a bit more effort than showing up for the gig on time… you actually have to put in the effort of not being a jerk and most of the standards, like having a job, being good with children and animals, and a few others that I won’t get into here.

Getting the phrase “good man” into wider use also gives us a great opposing title, “bad man”, as in “the bad man took my handbag, officer”. If we were all on the good man/bad man tip, the officer would immediately know who to start looking for since he could obviously remove all the suspects that met the aforementioned requirements. Naturally, men who didn’t have jobs and weren’t big fans of kids and household pets might get a little ruffled, but I’m sure they’re good men for other reasons, like being kind to the elderly or other lines of generic goodness. We may run into a few problems with men who like to use “bad” as slang for “awesome” or some other positive phrase. For instance, if the good man/bad man policy were in effect, Mohammad Ali yelling “I’m a bad man” during a press conference may have women clutching for their handbags, just in case he was that kind of bad man.

Now, how about the designation of “great man” and what does it take to get promoted from “good man” to this obviously higher rank of man? From what I’ve seen it apparently lies somewhere between “good man” and “super man” and comes from heroic or knowledge based activities. Pull a baby from a burning building or save the world from a Martian threat, then you’re a great man. Figure out how to split the atom or how to make quiche smaller while still retaining their full sized flavor, then you may even make the book of “Great Men of Science”. And while we’re thinking about books of great men, we should probably keep records of all the great men in book form if we were going to do this right, that way regular good men couldn’t abuse the title just to get dates or better tables at restaurants.

Now, there’s something to start making stickers about! Imagine rolling down the street on your way to work and seeing a sticker that proclaimed “good men take out the trash without being asked” or “great men save the Earth from pod people”. You could get behind that because there would be little disagreement that if you did those things, you would deserve the title and if you didn’t, you would need to find something equally good or great to make the team. I’m sure we’ll have a few people that won’t get it at first and at some point see a few stickers that say “good men don’t eat quiche” or “great men only save us from Martians, not Venusians”, but those we can work out without much debate at the monthly meetings.

Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival Recap

2005-05-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

For some reason, this week has been incredibly busy and doesn’t look like it’s going to let up anytime soon, so below is my recap of my visit to the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival this past weekend in short form… I promise I will try and revamp this when I have some time.

The Bands

Surprises
Boom Bip – if you closed your eyes and listened to these guys, you would swear it was all electronic, but on stage, you can see that they are old school musicians with some real talent.

The Ravonettes – A very cool mix of a 50’s doo-wop sound and electric guitars.

Kasabian – I apparently have just been missing the boat on this one as they have quite the following. Think Oasis, but without the fighting and a better drummer.

Gang of Four – More than just a Brit Pop band, these guys can rock.

Awesome
The Chemical Brothers – These guys know how to work a room! The “Rave Tent” was on fire with activity that the group really played off of as it leapt from favorite to favorite, new and old… hated to leave this one to go see Coldplay.

The Prodigy – Always a favorite of mine and I was obviously not alone as most people followed me over to the Rave Tent after Nine Inch Nails finished up.

Bauhaus – Like any concert, you usually walk away with one song stuck in your head… this time is was “Bella Lagosi’s Dead”. Besides a fantastic performance, I was just amazed to watch the lead singer do the aforementioned song while hanging upside down… the whole 12 minute song… amazing.

Weezer – Sure, it was like watching a “best of” concert, but I guess that just goes to show the talent of this band.

Wilco – One of the bands I was really looking forward to seeing and they did not disappoint. Really amazed they performed all of “Kidsmoke (Spiders)” on stage as it’s a long piece, but they nailed it just the same. I plan on catching them when they hit the Greek Theater in June.

Nine Inch Nails – Wow… the man can put on a show.

Good, But Some Issues
Coldplay – OK, first, they did put on a good show… everything sounded great (unlike New Order), but, I just felt like it was a little “sloppy”. I’m having a hard time coming up with a better word to use here, but that’s really what it felt like to me.

New Order – Like above, this was a great performance and they played a great mix of old and new stuff… however, they were having some issues with the bass guitar for most of the show and it really distracted me the whole time.

Disappointments
Snow Patrol – I don’t know if it was really them or the fact that I was dying of thirst in a sea of people near the stage, but I just couldn’t get into these guys. Plus, the lead singer just didn’t seem to have the same range as I’ve heard on the album, which was a let down.

Jem – For some reason, I was really looking forward to seeing this band, but I got turned off pretty early… probably because they had them on the wrong stage (Kasabian should have been on the Outdoor stage and these guys should have been in a tent). The sealer was a really soulless cover of “Baby, I’m Amazed”.

Don’t Get It
Bloc Party – the local alt station in Los Angeles was raving about these guys (although they don’t actually play their stuff), so I checked them out during my rotation around the grounds. I really couldn’t see what the fuss was about.

WTF?
Buck 65 – Think Johnny Cash, with two turntables and a microphone. Oddly alluring, but weird…

Gram Rabbit – Frickin’ bizarre, yet amazingly attractive. A really hot lead singer, surrounded by three plain looking guys, playing a mix of electronica and rap.. oh, and two women dressed in bondage rabbit costumes… read that again if needed.

More on the scene and some other thoughts about the stage of alt radio in LA to come.

Jeff @ The Gag

Enough With The Waterworks...

2005-04-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

I've decided that the world needs to pull the plug on the overly sentimental movies that Hollywood churns out from time to time. I'm not just talking "dramas", here, they have their place in the world, but I'm talking about the flicks that just go over the top at pulling the heart strings of the world.

Probably the best example I can think of is Steel Magnolias. Whatever points this movie gained by actually breaking the mold in some parts by being somewhat funny (two scenes I can think of at the moment), it lost immediately because this is a movie that will reduce most women and some men to rubble. Plus, as a bonus, since it has Sally Field in the cast, it means that there will be an industry required Sally Field breakdown at some point in the film. In this one, it was by the grave of her dead daughter... hell, she even did it in Mrs. Doubtfire!

Anyway, here's the plan, the next time there is a screening of Steel Magnolias or one of its tear jerker partners in crime (Step-Mom, Terms of Endearment, etc.), everyone who has read this needs to go in, sit down, and then laugh at the most inappropriate moments you can. While Julia Roberts keels over in front of her crying son, kick your legs with laughter like you were watching "Anchorman". When Sally Field has her little hissy fit in the cemetery, howl like the first time you saw "There's Something About Mary".

If enough of us get together on this one, the studios will start to think that they've lost their edge and just stop putting out this drek. Of course, it could back fire on us completely and they'll think they need to come up with more powerful drek to unleash on the world... oh, that would be horrible. I mean, Steel Magnolias had most of the heavy hitters of the genre in it already... all they would need to do is do a sequel with the same cast (Julia Roberts could be a ghost or something) and then add in Emma Thompson, Nicole Kidman, Susan Sarandon, and Ashley Judd (feel free to comment on who I'm missing from this list) and people would mistake the movie screen for the Wailing Wall.

Maybe I need to rethink this strategy a bit...

Jeff @ The Gag

Wow, That's Pretty Low...

2005-04-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

Anyone else read this story in the LA Times about this guy in Burbank, Kristopher Schwoch, who conned not only a bunch of the movie and TV studios into giving him passes to premieres and special showings in the name of charity, but also a bunch of other people who supposedly bought said tickets in auctions for charity? The guy's con was that he was just using the tickets for himself!

Oh yeah, you read that right... the studios would hand the tickets over to the dude and then he would auction them off to the highest bidder in the name of children's charity... THEN, when the poor schmos who paid all this money for the tickets showed up at the event, the Will Call window had nothing for them and this tool was inside living it up with the stars...

You know, I'm not a violent man, but sometimes you just want to punch somebody in the face for stuff like this... I mean, the legal system will have its turn for sure, but at most they can bust him for fraud and fine him... I doubt he'll get any real prison time and he'll probably just go figure out another scam to pull elsewhere, so a quick little punch in the face will make things all right in the world... I don't even want to knock him out, or down... just a quick pop to the nose that will stick with him for the rest of the day... that's all... is that too much to ask for?

Jeff @ The Gag

Los Angeles Festival of Books

2005-04-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

On Sunday I had the pleasure of visiting the annual Los Angeles Time Festival of Books. Sprawled over the UCLA campus, the festival provides the opportunity for book-a-holics to do countless meet and greets with publishers and authors. I say "countless" here because besides the organized events that take place in the many lecture halls across campus, each of the various publishers that are represented there also have individual signings and readings events at their booths as well.

One of the author events I was able to attend was for Eric Idle, who was pushing his new book, "The Greedy Bastard Diary : A Comic Tour of America". Idle was in grand form at the presentation, answering every question with the fantastic comic timing that he and his fellow Python alumni have become famous for since their first appearance on the BBC decades ago.

The book was originally written as a series of blog entries as he made his way across the country on a 49 city tour where he performed a lot of the Monty Python bits that his fans have now since memorized, but also to try stand-up comedy for the first time. The entries have been cleaned up a bit and not surprisingly present loads of hilarious commentary on the various cities he visits. What is surprising is how candid he is about other very touching subjects, like his 13 year old daughter, the death of his parents and his friend George Harrison, and his political musings on the United States and its leaders. After the presentation, I was lucky enough to get him to sign my copy of the book and shake his hand... truely a nice guy and someone you would no doubt like to hang out with at a bar and talk shop over a pint with.

Next year, I plan on doing considerably more planning for the event... mapping out the various authors I would like to see in much greater detail so I can make sure to see them all (that is, unless I decide to get a booth myself - we do sell books on magic at The Gag after all). For instance, Kevin Smith and Walter Mosley were both there and I just didn't get it together in time to get the advance tickets needed to get into the auditoriums, which were always packed no matter who was speaking.

If you live in the Los Angeles area, I highly suggest putting next year's event on your calendar. All the events are free, including the author discussions (however, you do need to drop by a Ticketmaster to pick up the free tickets) and there are booths for every type of reading imaginable, from mysteries, to political commentary, to comic books.

Talk to you soon,

Jeff @ The Gag

Welcome!

2005-04-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

Welcome to The Gag Blog!

Ohhh, you lucky so and so, you're one of the first visitors to the newest addition to The Gag - its very own blog! For those of you that stumbled in from a different source, The Gag is the home of the best in classic and modern pranks, gag gifts, and magic tricks on the net.

Here, I, Jeff Ferguson, owner of The Gag, will post about anything that crosses my path as the owner of an online prank and magic shop - the latest products, customer comments, special coupons, or anything that's on my mind that day.

Speaking of coupons, just for being on the first to check out the site, here's a little something for ya - 10% off your order! That's right, just enter "gagblogapr" into the coupon code box at checkout and we'll give you 10% off your entire order. Enjoy!

Look for what will hopefully be more interesting postings here in the very near future.

Jeff @ The Gag